Be Still

This week, I set out to write a piece that is multi-faceted and complex. It touched on ideas I’ve covered before, from human nature to propaganda and storytelling. The implications of the story are, unlike some of the more banal “business strategy” explorations I sometimes go on, felt like it had real measurable implications.

But as I was beginning to immerse myself in the topic and trying to really grapple with the feelings I was feeling about it… my body rejected it.

I don’t know how else to explain it.

I sat down on Friday night after the kids had gone to bed and started to write. I’m trying to get better about writing later on Friday night vs. waking up Saturday morning and panic writing. Maybe my body can only handle writing on Saturday mornings?

I had been sitting and writing most of the day on Friday. From the state of fintech to the modern nuclear paradigm to shortages of energy demands for AI infrastructure build-outs. Lots of writing. Lots of sitting. There’s no reason why I would suddenly feel like I’m in a different physical state than the one I had been in all day. I hadn’t eaten anything disagreeable or changed my posture.

But, for whatever reason, I felt like I was having a heart attack. My chest was tight and my body was uncomfortable. I felt sweatier and deeply uncomfortable.

I don’t know if its because of the topic or the state of mind or the hour that I set out to write it. In fact, I was eager to write something meaningful this week, given the last three weeks of my writing have felt a bit like throwaway observations rather than fully flushed out thoughts.

But alas. I, literally, cannot bring myself to write it. So, instead, I sat down to explain my limitation, despite not being able to understand it. And as I pulled up a blank page to write this explanation, I had a phrase come to mind. The phrase comes from Psalm 46:

“Be still, and know that I am God.”

Apparently, it was more important for me to pause, reflect, and be still. Whatever explains my physical inability to pursue the thoughts and intents of my heart tonight, I cannot bring my thoughts to bear. Even now, I can feel my arm seizing up. Like… am I actually having a stroke? Or is it just heartburn? Whatever it is, I want it to stop happening. So I’m going to stop writing. And I’ll hope that after I give my body a break, maybe next week I can write what I was hoping to write this time.

Until then.